In this special column for Para Ti, Andrea Chiarello, creator of Mamás Felices Latinoamérica, shares a reflection on the challenges of motherhood, the mandates that women face, and the importance of building parenting rooted in love, without ceasing to be oneself.
For years we were sold a single way of being a mother: the selfless woman who puts everything aside, who lives FOR her children. From Moria, who with her sharp tongue dared to say what many kept quiet, to this new generation of mothers I meet every day, there has been a quiet yet profound revolution.
The truth is that today there are as many ways to experience motherhood as there are mothers. As I always say, a woman is not born knowing how to be a mom. There is no book that maps out the steps for you.
One begins to navigate that world with almost nothing clear. And along that path other factors weigh heavily: our own family history, fears, anxieties, insecurities and everything we bring with us. Our personality expands enormously with the arrival of a child.
There are women who believe they won’t be able to manage and need help. There are others who find a simple and practical way to resolve it. And there are those who never quite connect because work and independence are everything. None is wrong. None is better than another.
The important thing, the only non-negotiable, is that the bond built between mother and child is one of love and support. That is the main foundation, at least for early childhood. Everything else is learned. No one is raised alone. You are raised in a tribe.
The Trap of Quantity
I believe today that education and conscious parenting go hand in hand. Because of the speed of the world we live in, what matters most is the quality of time rather than the quantity. A woman can be with her child all day and not truly devote a second to him.
We talk a lot about freedom. And yes, it is fundamental. We want children who are free to build and forge their own destinies. But freedom alone is not enough.
We also need discipline, study, effort and, above all, example. Often children do not follow our words, they follow our steps. They see in their parents’ example the path to follow.
And that freedom also needs healthy boundaries. Freedom does not mean doing whatever one wants. It means having options to choose and decide when necessary. As the child explores different situations, they discover their own path. And there the role of dad, mom, grandparents and friends is essential. No one raises a child alone.
The End of Mandates
Is it a bad message to tell a girl that she doesn’t need to become a mother to fulfill herself? Not at all, so long as that girl is building her own path and discovering what makes her happy.
Many times maternal mandates are very strong and that causes that girl, and later woman, to repeat patterns she did not choose.
From personal experience, I think it’s good to listen to and understand what our mothers told us in each era, so that we can discern what is right or wrong, what we like or don’t, what we feel or want to feel.
Ultimately, we are all women and mothers at different times and with different needs. From Moria to us, the pendulum has swung.
Where Guilt Ends
Guilt is something that always haunts us as mothers. That is why, from Mamás Felices, I try to open a different space. A space where so many women, men and families can relate and connect from the need and love for their own journey, and not from judgment or imposition. Not even from the “should be”.
Each person who comes to our gatherings arrives with their story, their successes and insecurities. Everyone who is there comes to take away a tool, a contact, a new connection or simply to feel accompanied for a while.
That is Mamás Felices Latinoamérica. Beyond societies, cultures, countries, religions and structures, the universal world of parenting is infinite and at the same time particular to each of us.
The revolution I’m talking about is this: we no longer want mothers who erase themselves to be good mothers. We want happy mothers who live WITH their children, not only FOR their children. Because love and containment are everything. It’s the beginning of motherhood.
Source: Andrea Chiarello – Creator of Mamás Felices Latinoamérica
