A breakup does not always arrive after long conversations or an obvious crisis. Sometimes, one of the people in the couple communicates their decision while the other still believes there are possibilities to continue. Phrases such as “I need some time” or “I need to find myself” can open a period of confusion, questions, and distress for the person receiving the news.
Why can a decision that seems sudden to one person be the result of an internal process that the other did not notice? In this column, psychiatrist and sexologist Walter Ghedin reflects on the surprise factor in breakups, the reasons that tend to arise when announcing a separation, and the tension between individual needs and life as a couple.
Factor sorpresa: me quiero separar: la columna de Walter Ghedin
“Just as ghosting is a way of leaving the other surprised by a sudden disappearance —something that happens more frequently during the early stages of courtship— the surprise factor can also leave a person paralyzed by their partner’s decision to separate.”
Without even expecting it, although one might suspect that the relationship was nearing its end, one of the partners proposes the need to distance themselves. In general, the explanations refer more to the continuation of the bond than to its deeper causes. Among the most common arguments appear phrases such as: «I need some time», «I’m not in a position to continue», «I fell in love with someone else» or, simply, «I no longer desire to be with you» and «If I’ve stayed this long it was for the family».
I Need Some Time
The time factor is always present in the stories of couples. The passage of years may not have left a mark on the bond, but it may also have introduced boredom and wear: “We got bored together, there’s no longer desire or satisfaction in being together.”
The duration of a relationship must be weighed alongside the actions taken to keep it alive. When there is no longer any desire to create new experiences, a sign of a lack of connection between the parties appears and the individualities take center stage: “I need it for me,” “It’s my point of view,” “I never had the opportunity to find myself,” “I don’t want anyone to interfere in my decisions.”
The balance between the relational and the individual is delicate. Communication and the search for compromises are its main allies. Individualism is not the same as autonomy. The former focuses solely on one’s own needs and leaves no room for the other. Autonomy, instead, allows sustaining personal desires and projections within the context of a relationship. Both dimensions can empower each other. There is no selfishness, but interdependent altruism.
In the past, the argument “I need some time” expressed the need to take distance, with a higher likelihood that the relationship would end. Over time, asking for a pause became a softer and more elegant way of saying “it’s over,” not to mention the distress that uncertainty causes in the other: “Should I wait? For how long?”.
We must put aside the hope of a reunion and read the subtext realistically: asking for time is a separation, plain and simple.
I Need to Find Myself
In the most analyzed country in the world, saying “I need to find myself” implies an urgent need to give space to one’s own world, to the subjective universe, as if throughout all the years of the relationship this had occupied a secondary place.
For the other person, it can come as a surprise that, from one day to the next, the person they have been with needs to re-find themselves and, to do so, proposes separation.
I understand that, in times of so many external demands, there is little room for reflection and for rethinking the way of living. People think about changes, but do not always put them into practice. Until everything explodes, few things are said. And when they are said, many times they stay as hopeful statements, but without decision or action.
In light of this situation, a question arises: “Why can’t I accompany you on this very personal process? Why can’t we experience it together?”
However, there isn’t always room for that possibility. Analysis can be done alone or through other options: reconnecting with friends, going out, resuming postponed activities, traveling and, perhaps, meeting a new love to “see what I feel.”
Taking distance to think does not mean isolating oneself from the world. It means being with oneself in each action, in a sort of retreat that does not exclude social life or other sex-affectual relationships. The distance does not turn them into hermits: they are like teenagers who are living a new opportunity.”
