The release of Yo, Narciso, the film starring Adrián Suar and Natalia Oreiro, reignited discussion on a topic increasingly present in debates about relationships: narcissism and relationships marked by manipulation. Beyond fiction, understanding how these dynamics operate helps identify behaviors that can affect emotional and sexual life.
In this context, Dr. Walter Ghedín, psychiatrist and sexologist, analyzes a particular dimension of this issue: sexual narcissism. The specialist explains what a person with these traits seeks in intimacy, what place the other occupies in that bond, and what consequences it may have for the partner.
Sexual Narcissism
The word narcissism refers to a self-centered personality that thinks only of oneself, exaggerating talents one believes one possesses and lacking empathy. However, it is necessary to differentiate certain narcissistic behaviours that appear in social life from pathological narcissism that compromises the subject’s entire life.
A person can have a sex life that is centered on themselves, dominating and showing the other their sexual abilities, without being a global narcissist (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
Every erotic encounter requires a double connection: with oneself and with the other. Without that interaction, sex becomes boring and brings conflicts, either because I only think about pleasing the other, neglecting my own pleasure, or the opposite: I think only of my gratification and forget that I am with another person.
Sex is interaction, give and take: I please myself, I please you, we please each other.
What Does the Sexual Narcissist Seek?
Precisely, the sexual narcissist lacks that dynamic: they are solely focused on showing what they can do and on their own pleasure.
The evaluation scale for this behavior assesses four factors: sexual dominance, sexual skills, sexual entitlement, and lack of sexual empathy.
Sexual dominance is defined as the pursuit of sexual adventures under the belief that their casual partners will benefit from their amorous skills. For this, they will rely on their erotic abilities, of which they hold a supreme valuation.
Sexual entitlement sets them in motion with their established partners: they are the ones who take the initiative and get upset when the other does not consent to their requests. Moreover, they exercise the right to have sex, as if this were an unyielding guideline they must dictate to their liking.
And finally, the lack of empathy consists in not taking into account the other’s needs, desires, and preferences.
And what does the partner think?
Not every person who is in a relationship with a sexual narcissist complains about their selfishness. They greatly value the sexual skills he employs and believe that there is “chemistry,” when in reality it is just an object for the other to enjoy his sexual performances.
People with traits of submission or with dependency traits are the most likely to give up their own preferences so that this man stays by their side, offering guaranteed pleasure.
However, in the face of self-assertive couples who know what they want, who need to express their desires and preferences and be satisfied, the mask of the narcissist falls unavoidably.
In light of this scenario, the sexual narcissist contemplates options: either try to adapt to a much fairer or more equitable relationship model —for this, they would have to lower their defenses and reveal sexual insecurities— or seek sex outside the relationship.
Infidelity and Sexual Narcissism
It is well known that infidelity is one of the major causes of divorce. Thinking that the narcissist might be utterly unfaithful is only partly true.
Studies show that marital satisfaction decreases when one partner is a sexual narcissist, reducing the likelihood of “looking outside” what is already “inside” the relationship.
As mentioned earlier, there are couples who fit that model of relationship where one satisfies himself and the other experiences it as the motivation for all the erotism displayed. Moreover, many couples believe that this heteronormative model is the rule.
Two factors drive the narcissist to be unfaithful: the right to have sex when they want and showing off their sexual abilities.
Regarding this point, it can occur in both female and male sexual narcissists.
The choice of casual partners is not governed by the rule of romantic love: “the lover says things to me and treats me as my partner never did”; the chosen lovers of sexual narcissists will say: “there is skin, too much skin.”
It doesn’t matter if there is no affection, there must be skin, sexual arousal. And the sexual narcissist will make that occasional lover believe that everything he does is for the attraction he provokes, for how he arouses him. However, every moan, every pose, every thrust, will be for the imaginary mirror that reproduces his image of a good lover.
By Dr. Walter Ghedín, psychiatrist and sexologist
